Are you looking for a way to monetize the green goo your research labsconcocted last year but no-one has yet found a use for?
Well, have no fear because here at Disease Promotions Inc, we have thesolution!!
If you have several tons of nondescript fluid taking up space in thewarehouse, don't rush to dump it because you may well be dumping a fortune ineasy profits. The good news is, you can recycle your green goo into greenbacks!All you need is some intelligent marketing and single-minded dedication to theart of making money from old rope.
Let us package, promote and market your goo for you, using the latestbreakthrough in pharmaceutical marketing: ADE, the Animal Disease Epidemic.
Research has shown that the public are guaranteed to become hysterical whenpresented with a disease named after an animal. Bird flu was a popular item; aswas Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (BSE) although hardly anyone can actuallySAY eneceph...eocophthal.....ensippolophasy. And the latest craze, swine flu,is a sure-fire winner too - and it's easy to pronounce!
Years of experience in the highly competitive field of disease marketing hasshown us time and again that if you promote an ADE well enough and hard enough,people will go for it en masse. Either they will obligingly catching it, in theidea they are SUPPOSED to catch it - it's been advertised in the papers and onTV after all! - or imagine they have caught it at the first sign of a ticklycough (while discounting, in the face of a slick advertising campaign, the tenfags they just smoked before breakfast.)
Either way, you will have a thriving sea of profitable fear in which you canmarket and sell whatever it is you have earmarked as a remedy. As we say in themarketing business: nothing sells a product like blind terror.
Here's the procedure: (1)develop a vaccine. (2)invent an illness thatrequires the vaccine. (3)name it after an animal, bird, fish or insect. (4)hype it up in the media. (5)call it an epidemic even though hardly anyone hascaught it yet - believe me, they WILL. (5)call it highly contagious. (6)promote it as a sinister, hideous, stalking INVISIBLE menace from which no-oneis safe.(7) ensure that the symptoms advertised for your ADE are similar to thecommon cold or ordinary flu so that lots of people upon developing the sniffleswill be convinced they have your disease and are about to die.
Do these steps well enough and you will create (a.) fear (b) panic (c)demand for your vaccine.
And we will do all the work for you. You have already done your bit, cookingup a medicinal-looking brew in your labs. Now let US do the rest. We willhandle everything, from designing the disease concept for maximum impact,(look, feel, type, target demographics, threat level, symptoms, contagion vectorsetc) to naming it, to the issuance of press releases, quotes from"scientists" (i.e., your lab staff) and paying "experts" toissue terrifying scientific statements about the disease.
Our expertise is hard-won through years of successful disease marketing andwith it you cannot miss. You will remember successful DPI products such as theSparrows Kneecap outbreak of '04 in which the death toll climbed to almost onefatality.
Or the Gnu Gripe epidemic of 2007 that held Neasden in the grip of fearuntil everybody forgot about it.
Then there was the outbreak of Fish Fingers that caused the evacuation of Paris last year and wasreported to have killed hundreds of old people with symptoms very similar toold age.
Of course, your disease now has to compete with many other diseases andcreeping invisible menaces for the public's attention but we guarantee thedevotion of our extensive know-how to making YOUR disease the most scary,unpleasant and deadly on the market.
We guarantee a billion dollars in vaccine sales or your money back.
Yours,
Ruth Less
PS. So as to secure the best disease names for our clients we have taken thetrouble to copyright a range of catchy titles. All you need to do is visit ourwebsite (www.panicsRus.com) and tick any in the following list that appeal toyou, and then send us a $100000 deposit to reserve your disease.
