By Kieron McFadden

Here is a newsflash,courtesy of "Private Oi" magazine. You have the right to know and arethe first to be told.

Newsflash
EnglandApril 21st 2009

The British Government announced today that it is relocating its centre ofoperations to Poland.

In what is considered to be the most radical shake-up of the British puppetadministration since the Roman invasion, Parliament and Whitehallwill take up residence next year in vacant warehousing facilities near thedockyards in Gdansk.

A source close to the Prime Minister said, "The government has decidedto take a leaf out of private industry's book. With most public interfacing nowbeing done via call centers in India and most of Britain's manufactured goodsnow being produced by slave labor in the Third World, it is the turn of thegovernment to remove itself to a location as remote from the public aspossible."

The move is believed to offer several advantages, not least of which is thatit will enable the government to go about its business in peace and quiet. Poland is actually empty at this time, itspopulation having upped sticks and moved to Britain to pursue a job vacancy atthe Bingley Road Chef.

For the same reason, Polish property is cheap. This will slash governmentoverheads and enable it to pour funds into its campaign to provide shoes forour soldiers in Iraq.

"By the end of next year" said our spokesman, "every Britishsoldier serving in Iraqwill probably have at least one boot if this economy measure goesthrough."

An opposition spokesman however poured cold water on the government's"Boots for Iraq"claim, saying: "While we believe this move to be an eminently sensibleidea, the government's claim about boots is typically premature.The public aretired of wild promises. We should wait and see how much money is left after thecosts of the move are factored in before we get carried away. However we dobelieve that the savings that can be made may offset some of the cost of themove and probably necessitate only a small tax hike to cover the remainder.This is good news for the British tax payer."

The move of administrative headquarters to Poland is but part of a broaderstrategy involving the subsequent relocation of all British citizens to Poland,which being a geographically larger area will offer the Brit more elbow roomthan he is accustomed to.

As for infrastructure, that is not believed to be a problem. After decadesof Communist and post-Communist mismanagement, the Brits should feel at homewith Polish infrastructure.

"Polandoffers many attractive incentives for the British to move there," said oursource. "Property is cheap and the country is almost devoid offoreigners."

Then, hinting at more long-term plans for Britain, he added. "Ultimatelywe could rename Poland"Great Britain"and rename Britain "Poland"and everything would be back to normal."

A spokesman for the opposition was scathing about the idea: "We thinkthe suggestion is preposterous. It would be better to rename the two countries"Britand" and "Polain" respectively."

We surveyed the public on the idea of relocating the government and 93% wereenthusiastic about moving the government as far away as possible. Most thoughtan orbiting space station would be preferable to Poland - providing the spacestation was orbiting Uranus. At least we THINK that's what they said...