Swine Flu? Hah! Here'ssomething REALLY scary! We are all going to (probably)Die!!!!
We are all Going To (maybe) Die!!!!
The government today issued a new public health alert, warning of thearrival of a pandemic even more depressing than the last one.
"Just in case any of our citizens woke up this morning feelingchirpy," said Health supremo, Joe Supremo (97), "we got together withsupremos from the press and the Ministry of Panic to put together this newreason not to be. After all, this is a Democracy and nobody has a right to feelexempt from the gloom that is the birthright of every citizen."
Mr Supremo went on to say that the government takes the new threat to thelife of every man woman and child (and pet) on the planet so seriously, theyare no longer calling it a "pandemic" but, at the suggestion of the presssupremo, Craig Bi-Polar (46?), have renamed it a "carnagedemic."
[Editor's note: insert here photo of Labradorwith bleak, haunted eyes, wearing a blue face mask. Caption:"Carnagedemic. All pets could die."]
Mr Bi-Polar explained further: "An epidemic is rubbish, quite frankly.Doesn't have the pizzaz it used to have. So for a while we had pandemics, whichhad the virtue of sounding more threatening than an epidemic by having"pan" attached to it instead of "epi," which sounds a bitgirly. A threat qualifies as a pandemic if it kills, or makes poorly, as manyas five people (or pets). We needed a new nickname for a threat that will kill,or might kill, more than five people (or pets). The name needed to look good inheadlines and prompt people (or pets) to reach into their pockets and cough upthe loot for a newspaper out of a sense of alarm (or terror). Recently we havesuffered from an epidemic of pandemics and the public is starting to get boredwith the whole thing. This has led to an epidemic of public not being undulyalarmed, which caused to flare up a pandemic of slumping newspaper sales. Wecan now confidently state the matter is under control and look forward to aweek of headlines that will really shake up the complacent tight-fisted swine."
[Editor's note: insert here photo of baby with bleak, haunted eyes wearingface mask. Caption: "Be afraid!"]
But what of the carnagedemic? Health reports indicate it may already haveclaimed thousands of lives and is set to claim many thousand more, althoughscientists point out that it depends on whether you define "claimed"as "killed" or "could have killed".
One scientist, who did not want to be named, or indeed identified at all,for legal reasons, disclosed in a taped interview left on the answermachine ofthe Daily Scare that the carnagedemic is, or might be, invariably fatal foranyone who dies from it and there is lots of hard rumour that it is, or mightbe, the cause of insanity or depression in those who contract it and thatnobody is immune, or at least those who contracted it weren't.
[Ed's note: insert here picture of baby wearing full bio suit, its eyesvisible though the transparency should be bleak and full of despair. Caption:"Abandon hope! Start looting!"]
The method of transmission of the disease, dubbed "Mad Hack'sVirus," is uncertain, although all the evidence points to a virus. If itturns out not to be a virus, the disease will have to, obviously, be renamed,which will simply add to the confusion so everyone is keeping their fingers crossedthat it really is a virus.
It is believed that MHV or "Newspaper Flu" as it is also known, issomehow transmitted by contact with tabloid newspapers. Certainly there is asyet no recorded case of any citizen (or pet) contracting the disease who does notread newspapers.
A source close to Buckingham Palace (the bloke leaning on the railings) toldthis reporter: "What the government isn't telling us is that virtuallyno-one is safe if MHV is transmitted through contact with newspapers becauseaccording to the Office of Made Up Statistics more than 97% of people readnewspapers, although admittedly only 3% of these remember what they haveread."
MHV has all the hallmarks of a classic attention-grabbing, panic-inducingand hence money-spinning disease, namely: it is invisible, it is"everywhwere," its symptoms can easily be confused with innocuousailments such as the common cold or not enough caffeine, it has the word"virus" or "flu" in it.
Do you have Newspaper Flu? Probably, says the Ministry of Panic. Certainlysaid Grimm Reaper Pharmaceuticals, whose Public Relations Officer, Joe Satan(14) first alerted everyone to the presence of this new stalking carnagedemicmenace in our midst shortly after Grimm Reaper Laboratories invented anantidote for it.
"MHV is certainly proving to be a popular ailment," said Mr Satan.When it was pointed out that there was no evidence that MHV had actually killedanyone, Mr Satan said, " Well that just goes to show how effective ourantidote, Docile 24/7, is."
What are the symptoms of the new disease? Opinions vary but here is a listof what they could be and certainly if you have any of these, you are advisedto panic or Docile on the National Health immediately:
Disorientation
Depression
Anxiety
Loss of ability to think (or spell).
Paranoia (feeling threatened by a dark, vague, lurking menace you can't see)
Tendency to blame immigrants/religion/hoodies/parents for everything
Feeling panicky.
Hysteria
Becoming sick with worry.
One victim, who is, miraculously, not dead told this reporter:
"I became sick shortly after reading the Daily Scare over me breakfastcornflakes, I think it was last Tuesday's headline: "millions of airbreathers die every year" that set me off. The first thing I noticed is Igot the shakes and became very nervous. Then I kind of completely lost the willto live. I felt like I was doomed to die a horrible death no matter what I did.Then I became acutely aware of every little muscular twinge or fleetingdiscomfort in me body. By the time I'd finished me boiled egg and soldiers Iwas convinced I had at least twelve different viruses, all of which are namedafter animals. Then I called me doctor and he gave me a prescription forsomething that enabled me to hear colours and I've been on Venus where it's safefrom the alien head termites ever since...."
Latest figures suggest that MHV may have infected as many a hundred billionpeople in the UKalone. The government, in the best tradition of bolting stable doors after thehorse has not only bolted but emigrated to France, retired, written itsmemoirs, died and been forgotten, has purchased a hundred million face masks.
When it was put to the Health Supremo that the masks are in fact compleltleyusueless and no defence at all against Newspaper Flu, Mr Supremo explained," That has never stopped the government buying face masks before. Thepurchase of face masks has long been standard practice, favoured by Ministersbullied by the press into responding to an emergency they know little ornothing about. It reassures the public that the government is acting decisivelyin the best traditions of headless chickens."
(Ed's note: include picture here of baby dressed in deep sea diver's suit.Caption: "Flee for your lives!")
Unfortunately, just when those public still retaining their grip on a shredof optimism naively thought things could not get any worse, they have.Scientists report that MHV may have mutated and "jumped media." A newand even more unstoppable strain of the virus has been detected.
The new outbreak, dubbed an armaggedonedemic, is know asWord Of Mouth Disease.
