A Message from Beelzebub:Leaked Email in Full.

By Kieron McFadden

Don't ask me how I came bythis leaked email. It presents a pretty damning insight into the inner workingsof Chaos Inc (also known as Earth Company) and its Infernal Subsidiaries. I'mtaking my life in my own hands making it public. By the time you read this Iwill probably be heroically dead. Or (heroically) not.

To Wolfin Sheepsclothin, the Brain-U-like Institute

From: L. Beelzebub, Grimm Reaper Pharmaceuticals Inc.

As you are no doubt aware, The Big Boss (He whose name we cannot speak lest webe struck down and considerably mangled) has made known his satisfaction at theresults forthcoming from our Swine Flu campaign.

Our media arm once again succeeded in its primary role of shepherding theherd in our general direction, whereupon we were able, as ever, to crowbar ahandy wadge of petty cash from a few million mangey wallets.

This was no mean feat considering the Indeep and Drowning Debt Emporium hadgone overboard on its recession thingy and almost left the Great Unwashed toostrapped to make a useful contribution to the Help Your Local Global Oligarchyfund.

The Boss was none too pleased and has told the boys in Debt Slavery to watchit. Chaos may be profitable but you can have just too much of a good thingsometimes. Milk the cow half to death by all means but don't kill the ruddything. It's a big pie (or cow) after all and there's surely enough to go aroundbut there'll be no pie (or cow) at all if the whole Earth operation goespear-shaped. I don't fancy having to wait for the Unwashed to get around tobuilding a new civilization from scratch before we can start milking again.

Anyway, the Boss will cracking heads the next time the Board of Chaos Incmeets so I'm sure our over-zealous brethren in Debt Slavery will be whippedinto line. Even so, a word to the wise: it might be a good idea to have yourDoctor Torquemada on stand-by just in case the Boss decides to make an exampleof someone, just to underscore the necessity for greater coordination. Sectionanyone a little too slow to see the error of his ways and a couple of lobotomiesor sessions with the electro convulsive machine later, the rest will fall intoline sharpish.

But I digress. Turns out we manufactured much too much vaccine; enough tovaccinate Chinaeight times over. We've managed to shift two thirds of it and our distributioncentres - the governmental health departments - are making a fair job ofunloading it onto the population but we're running out of governments to sellit to. We may therefore have to stockpile a sizeable surplus in readiness forthe next epidemic, which is scheduled for 20012. Three years is enough time forthe public to have forgotten about this one but a tad close to the end of thevaccine's shelf life for comfort so the timing will have to be good in 2012 andthe media will have to be on the ball vis a vis whipping up a scare sufficientfor us to be able to shift our stockpiles.

We can repackage current stocks and as the next outbreak - which will beGibbons Droop - will have the same symptoms as the current one (basically aheavy cold, often fatal for anyone with pre-exisitng health issues such asBubonic Plague or over 103 years old) so the vaccine will work fine. Projectedprofits from the 2012 pandemic are in the region of five billion at today'sprices.

There's a lingering worry though about the press. They pulled this year'scaper off by the skin of their teeth and the word is the Thought Control boyshave a shake-up coming their way. Panic engineering works well provided thetrigger, the Message of Doom (MOD) has a plausible scientific gloss and doesn'tcome across as too rabid. However, some of TC's organs overdid it a bit thistime and came across like medieval soothsayers or Macbeth's three witches, somuch so even the Unwashed started to notice. A re-think will be needed andperhaps less sniffing of the nose candy on the part of many of our TCoperatives will be required. Yesterdays headline in the Daily Scare is a casein point. "Aaargh! We're all doomed!" really doesn't cut it. The boysin DD (Dumbing Down) have done a fine job on the rifraff but not THAT fine,sadly.

To be honest I'll be glad when the day arrives we can just bring incompulsory drugging and have done with it. Then we can dispense with all thesetiresome shenanigans.

And something will have to be done too about regional management. Theirperformance over Swine fever has lacked a certain amount of lustre. The Britishregional office under Brown for instance, issued a booklet entitled"Important Information about Swine Flu," which quite frankly wasnowhere near scary enough. It was basically a brochure about the common coldwith "common cold" edited out and "swine flu" inserted inits place. Detailed instruction on how to sneeze properly and advising thepubic to stay away from hospitals because they are full of germs (which theBritish Public know already) is hardly conducive to the creation of someprofitable hysteria. Brown and his team are due for a bollocking as you canimagine.

We rely on the creation of fear for mass acquesicence to our siphoningbillions out of the public purse. Without that fear, our minions in governmentcannot convincingly justify their munificent role in our little wheeze. Shouldsuch a nightmare scenario come to pass, they would not feel free to hand us theloot as they have in the past. Sadly, we still must be wary of provoking thewrath of the hoi poloi. Efforts are being made as you know to relieve themasses of their democratic burden and the European experiment in massdisenfranchismement is yielding encouraging results but the time is still alittle way off when we can truly return to the feudal idyll.

In the meantime, we must continue with our charades and pursue improvedperformance in the manufacture of epidemics and other threats and scares. Ascared population is a malleable population or, as we say in the druggingindustry: a depressed citizen is a customer, a drugged citizen is a customerfor life.

On that happy note, we are looking to psychiatry and the Brain-U-Likeinstitute for further sterling work in disease creation. As you know, we havehalf a dozen new formulations that will need to be marketed and sold and thesewill need illnesses or disorders to cure so we look to your experts to inventsome.

I know this will not present your team with too much of a problem; there arestill many nuances of human behaviour as yet un-labeled as disorders and thusvirgin marketing territory still waiting to be tapped.

Half a dozen mental illnesses to be phased in over the ensuing fiscal yearwill do nicely. Your usual sidestepping of scientific research in favour of ashow of hands at your conferences should enable you to fast-track new ailmentsinto the Diagnostic Manual: from idea to publication in just a few weeks.Hopefully you guys will have them online ready for your pushers to start writingprescriptions by June latest.

We have seen your radical proposals for a more ambitious approach todisorder marketing. We like the concept of the "Brain Laundromat,"although Ruth Less Marketing Inc have advised that Brain-O-Mat is catchier.

The Brain-U-Like Brain-O-Mat sounds pretty cool and much more"twenty-first-century" than "Mental Health Centre."

We do feel however that you should avoid using the term "BrainWashing" in your promotional literature on account of its undesirableconotations. Brain Cleaning or Brain Laundering would be better terms for theBrain-O-Mat service. Experience shows that if you simply change the term, thepublic never catch on.

In the matter of new disorders, using the well tested technique of observingcharacteristics of human behaviour and declaring them symptoms and thenthinking up a name for what they are symptoms of, I've had my marketing chief,Joe Satan, and his team dream up some proposed disorders for which we canrustle up a drug to treat.

You will be pleased to know that all of our new drugs are addictive andinduce complications that your people will be able to diagnose as symptoms offurther disorders requiring more drugs to treat. Thus you will be able tocreate more guaranteed repeat business, usually for the lifetime of thepatient.

Fortunately the public still believe anything they are told a long as it (a)sounds a bit technical and (b) is uttered by a bloke with "doctor" infront of his name.

Here are our proposed disorders

Compulsive Credulity Disorder (CCD)
Over half the adult population believe without question what they read in thepapers even when it comes across as written by a hormonal twelve-year-old or acrack-head. This presents a wonderful opportunity to call it a mental illness.Symptoms include a conviction that immigrants are eating our pets, a fear ofventuring outside one's house, a tendency to deify minor celebrities or evenPresidents, a belief the world is going to end at any moment, a fear that weare going to be invaded by the Liechtensteinian war machine of onereconditioned Sherman tank and a solitary Sopwith Camel that won't start indamp weather; dis-association from reality and a host of other symptoms thatcan be thought up later. CCD of course routinely works in our favour, otherwisehow would the TC crew pull off their stunts? Fortunately our new CCD medicationdoes not actually cure CCD but merely "contains" it, which anotherway of saying, "cures diddly squat."

Yarnspin Incredulity Disorder (YID).
A tendency to disbelieve anything one reads in the papers. Also known asSmartarse Syndrome. Symptoms include the making of intensely sarcastic commentsabout press items and the compulsive writing of spoof articles satirising thepress and the various agencies of Chaos Inc and even his unHoliness the DarkLord and Grand Lizard, Emperor you-know-who. Sufferers tend to view all news inthe context of a covert global crime syndicate that relies on economic duressand media spin and the ongoing ignorance of the masses for its hold on power.Heavy medication, committal and lobotomy is recommended for these people asthey are a menace to society and truly dangerous.

Religion Disorder.
The holding of beliefs that one is more than a fortuitous aggregation ofchemicals or a animal driven exclusively by biological imperatives.

Right and Wrong Disorder
The sufferer views the world in terms of some actions being just plain wrongand one should not do them. Harmless except when they moralise and expectothers to have standards of conduct. Dangerous when they become vociferous intheir objection on grounds of illusory immorality to the arming of ruthlessdictators, suspension of civil rights and other tough but necessary policies.

Obsessive Nice Disorder (OND)
Sufferers can be annoying. This ailment compels individuals to go around beingnice to others. They put about the dangerous, subversive notion that the worldwould be a better place if we could all be nice to one another. The spread ofhuman niceness would be seriously detrimental to our business so in the name ofpharmaceutical profits such lunatics shoud be locked up as well as drugged intoa stupour.

Hyper Responsibility Disorder (HRD)
Sufferers assert that one is responsible for one's actions rather than thetruth, which is that no-one (especially thee and me) is responsible foranything and things just sort of happen of their own accord without anybody inparticular actually causing them.

Pitbull Obsessive Disorder (POD)
Compulsion to own a pitbull terrier for no apparent reason. Sufferers usuallymale 20-40 years old.

Chirpy Disorder (CD)
Sufferers persist in being lighthearted and buoyant of spirit despite beingpresented with a thousand and one very good reasons not to be. Deserveeverything they got coming.

Uncouth Disorder (UD)
Sufferers compulsively conduct themselves in an uncouth and boorish manner inpublic places, often aggressive towards perfect strangers, will frequentlyurinate openly and/or belch loudly in the street and can be rendered violent byaccidental eye contact or the endeavour not to make eye contact. See AdjectiveDeficient Disorder (ADD) and BoulogneDay Trip Disorder (BDTD)

Adjective Deficient Disorder (ADD)
Related to and usually a precursor of UD above. Sufferer loses the power ofadjectival expression and becomes unable to utter any adjective except the word"f***ing."

Boulogne Day Trip Disorder (BDTD)
An acute and virulent variant of UD above. So-called because it is most oftenmanifest in English youth who are struck down by it the moment they disembarkfrom the Channel Ferry in Boulogne.

Well, that's enough Disorders to be getting on with.

I think we need to meet and discuss the feasibility of simply declaringbeing human a disorder.

We at Grimm Reaper have a whole cornucopia of chemical concoctions capableof terminally relieving the sufferer of such a condition- and of course thecontents of their wallet.

Yours,

Lucifer